me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
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My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
This is the one
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
choose your gary
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Expect the unexporcupine.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.