When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
One of the best
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster