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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌