[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
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The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD