Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK