Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
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Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.