Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
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Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.