Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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depression for dummies
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.