Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
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Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Bringing home a sharpie
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.