My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
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Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.