Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
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[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit