I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You Might Also Like
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?