In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
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If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot