Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
another case of gang violins
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.