Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
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I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice