And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.