Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
You Might Also Like
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
goldfish mafia
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?