5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
You Might Also Like
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
*exercises sarcastically*
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.