You Might Also Like
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
I hate my earbuds.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.