I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Spotted in New Orleans.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Breaking news:
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Happy Thanksgiving
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Dear Lord..
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
i wish all
whales
a very
big
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what