Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
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‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
im all 3
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you