These aren’t even hard anymore.
You Might Also Like
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
We like the way Dwight thinks
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.