[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.