{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
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Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.