my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.