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Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.