I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?