*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
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Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.