Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
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So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?