I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
For the baby who has everything
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly