Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
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I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win