Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
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Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
when revenge coincides with naptime
Children of the corn 🌽
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police