*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
#parenting
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.