everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
May never get over this
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.