Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
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Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Once in my life Iād like a password or username prompt to be all, āShit youāve almost got it. Youāre getting closer.ā
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, āluckyā
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[creation of trees]
god: when itās warm youāll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when itās cold theyāll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” š
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. āthat guy must be a chef,ā you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think itāll be a best seller?
Editor: No, thatās not what Iām saying.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
Them: you canāt handle this dā¦
Me:
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
š¤
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Breaking news:
kevin is now a local weatherman
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldnāt be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolisā crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Iām not saying that my family doesnāt clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.