This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
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I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Are you ok, human???
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets