turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*