Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
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[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“What movie?” 🤔
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”