HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
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Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Don’t make me out nice you.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I have a type: disappointing
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.