ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You Might Also Like
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.