ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?