Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
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Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky