What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
You Might Also Like
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.