“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.