I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
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Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.