“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
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I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.