They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.