[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming