Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.