My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her